I am so righteously jealous.

Jealous of the creek, jealous of the mountain overlook, jealous of all the places I plan on taking you I haven’t even been to yet.  Jealous, heavy hearted, elated, proud.

Also broken.

I’m still so broken.

“When I am dead and gone,” you said to me,  “leave my ashes in all the places I’ve been and loved.”
“I will,” I promised, having no idea how soon I would need to act on this pact.

I’m grateful you told me.  I’m grateful you shared with me the importance behind so many places and were able to pair people with these destinations of yours, to whom I can express my gratitude for being a part of your happiness.  As I seek out each and every one of these places, I will say your name and theirs.  I will tell the stories you told me and I will honor you and the time you spent on this earth in these wondrous places, living the experiences that made you the man I loved with all my heart.  Still love.

So here I am.  A mere six months since your untimely departure from me, from all of us.  I am chasing the path to make good on my promises to you.  I am doing the only thing I know to do.  I am trying to get through each day, with you in my mind, with you on my heart, and live the way you encouraged me to live and show you how important you were, and still are, to me.

You had encouraged me to run this trail many times over and we talked and dreamed about what it would mean to our four person family should I hold this goal in my hand for all of us to enjoy.  The morning I learned you had moved on from me, I started formulating this plan to do for you what you wanted done.  I am not chasing this goal for the reasons I thought I would when we spent all of last summer looking for ways to get what we wanted, but I’m chasing it none the less.  You were never happy in one place. You were made up of pieces of everywhere and now everywhere is going to have pieces of you.  A re-joining of unions.  A returning of you to where you belong.

This is why my jealousy reigns supreme.  In the two places thus far that I have taken you and  have been lucky enough to reach out and grab a hold of you for eternity, I have felt you leave me all over again and it hurts so badly. In allowing you to stay in the places that meant so much to you, I am allowing myself to let go of that part of you and each time it feels like losing you all over again. I carry you with me, close to my heart until the time comes to release you.  Knowing you are close gives me comfort and strength.  And then you’re gone from me and my heart feels empty again.  Although I know it is what you wanted, what you deserve, it is so extremely hard to let you go time after time.

In these places I have walked your path, stood where you stood, where we stood together.  I have shared stories, beers and laughter with people you loved in places you held close to you.  I can feel your energy still lingering in the rooms, smell the presence of you as if you just walked out and see the people you affected and know that a piece of you lies within them just as it does me.  It makes each and every one of us kindred spirits and we are thankful.  Grateful to have known you.

This is just the beginning.  I will make good on my promise to you.  You deserve to have what you said you wanted and the world deserves to have you back.

The list of destinations is long but it is yours.

With all my love,
Your Gurl.