My dearest love Scott,

When we reunited after 28 years I was the happiest I had been in 28years. Your friends co-wokers and family said they had never seen you so happy…what happened in your mind to make you leave?

Your death was a complere surprise to everyone.  I wish I wasnt there that morning it has forever changed me but I wouldnt want to have been anywhere else either. I now struggle with suicidal thoughts and actions. I’ve heard it said that suicide brings out copycat suicides.  I now understand that pain is something that I want to relieve.

You should have never done it. Anything can be fixed . Maybe you felt guilty maybe you were scared of being a failure to your lived ones. I have missed you terribly every single day since you left. I have nightmares every night. What a terrible gift you left me with Scott.  I’m sad every day.  I want to join you everyday…The thought of the pain on my daughters is what prevents me from completing….I dont know whats in my future.

I know that the gift you gave me was pure ecstatic love while you were here.  The gift you left me with is so raw and painful.  I remember your smile most of all.  The way we would look at each other with disbelief that we were together again.  The memories come flooding back of when we were 3 years old playing together.  The times we spent growing up playing on the bike trails and in the flood waters and the sleepovers as we matured. You were my first kiss as was I for you.  First loves as young kids. Its too painful to remember these good times. I want to forget not remember.

I love you Scott. I always will and I hope my life here on out is short. Some people want a long life. I don’t. If I get sick I want my life to end quickly. If I die in an accident I would be happy.  I’ll never know what tomorrow may bring.  I want to reunite with you again to find that same love and happiness again.

I love you my dearest friend and lover. Till we meet again……

If you are considering or contemplating suicide, or you know someone who is, please know that your life matters, you would be greatly missed and call the
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 

If you are a survivor of suicide, please also seek support.  You are not alone.

Read about the creation of Project 488. Project 488: Letters To Loved Ones Lost
Project 488 is done in memory of my husband who always said we’d be together for the 88s.
I love you, my husband.