I had all of my words together in my head, all the things I would tell you and remind you of…..until I sat down to do it. Grief is messy, and totally unorganized. This is only the second day into living without you. I can’t even tell you how many puddles of tears I have left behind in the car and house, I have lost count. I can’t tell you how many times I have thought about calling you to hear your voice tell me this was and is just a bad nightmare. The calls I would like to make or return I don’t because I just fall apart at random times.
There are so many unanswered questions for those who loved you. If you could only backspace out of your decision and tell us what was going on in your life, in your head at the time. I am left with visions of you laying in the snow, overnight in single digit temps and being so cold. I long to have been there holding you and rocking you just one more time. Did you hesitate in pulling the trigger? Did you contemplate just going back home? Was there a wrestling for your soul? Did you have an encounter with the Lord who is merciful and full of grace…I can only hope and it makes reality more bearable.
Last night I joined groups for Suicide Support on Facebook. In order to be accepted in one group I had to send a picture and tell a little bit about you. I will share you with 90K members in the same shoes, some suffering for many years and no end in sight.
My love for you runs deep Jordan Roberts. I knew you all of your life. I told you many times how proud I was of you. I am so thankful for what you added to my life, you were and still are a gift to me from above. So many people have said not to question what I was to you. I was both your mom and your dad, I did my very best and have not questioned that. I was there for you even when we weren’t on the same page and of different beliefs and opinions. I never lied to you, ever. Though I wish I would have told you your dad had died so you would have had some closure that he would not return. The feeling of abandonment and being unloved by him haunted you for all of your life. Feeling unloved is the very worst of all feelings. There were so many others that loved you, so much more worthy of your love than your dad who never returned to your life after your first 10 days.
Yesterday the coroners office called and said they had completed what they had to do. They said the toxicology report was not back yet but had no doubt that drugs and alcohol were NOT involved and your death was due to a single gunshot wound. They asked for my address so they could send me your wallet with your drivers license, the credit cards, your phone, your Grandpa’s knife that I sent you for Christmas. You were so proud to have that knife that had a history of 50 years that I know of. I still remember seeing it gutting fish when I was a kid. The investigator even commented that it must have been something special to you. And now it will be more special to me since it was yours. Oh, and they will be sending your eye glasses too, broken. Which leads me to believe you landed on them when you fell to the ground.
Oh Jordan, we are and were such overthinkers. At the close of our conversation he said that the coroners office have handled you with the utmost care and respect. I could not contain myself. It is what you most deserved in life. His name was Rick Jones. I am going to stop by when I pick you up and bring you home and tell him thank you. He said you would be transported to Hites Mortuary and to give them a call. I am not quite ready to make that call yet. I know you are safe there until I pick you up. Today I got a text from my supervisor, Shelly. She asked for me to call her, no rush. I called her and she told me she had donated 40 hours of her PTO to me to use however I needed to along with the 5 days of bereavement. She is such a wonderful person. She is like you, full of compassion. David calls every hour to check on me and posts continue to happen on your page and mine of condolences.
I love and miss you Jordan Roberts, until next time.
If you are considering or contemplating suicide, or you know someone who is, please know that your life matters, you would be greatly missed and call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
If you are a survivor of suicide, please also seek support. You are not alone.
Read about the creation of Project 488. Project 488: Letters To Loved Ones Lost
Project 488 is done in memory of my husband who said we’d be together for the 88s.
I love you, my husband.