To you My Friend:
How do I start? Do I tell you that I miss you, do I tell you that I need you, or do I talk to you like you’re here… I just don’t know anymore.
We had so much going on between us, I wish you had stayed. So much left unsaid and unanswered.
We were dating, you were happy, but I left to go back to my baby’s dad, to retry my family for my kids. You said you were supportive. You said you understood. Did you? Did you really mean you were proud, did you really mean you were happy for me.. or if I’d stayed would you have?
We stayed friends for a year on, but we drifted, what if we hadn’t drifted?
Your sister and your mum tell me how they knew I was different, they knew you loved me, so why didn’t I? When you left us, I did my best, I was in the papers, I was on the news, I fought your in corner when that girl put photos of you in a coffin on Facebook! I started the petition that went worldwide! I had interviews which your sister supported me with. Did you see that? Were you proud? Were my efforts to late? When they got your name wrong at your funeral, I corrected it before your mum showed up, did you see? Are you really watching? Am I doing you proud?
I wish you could answer me… I wish I knew.
You struggled with your demons, the care system failed you, how many times did you need to be sectioned before they helped you? I joined the care system as a career now! I look after people with mental illness issues. I did that for you.
If I can save just one you I will be happy.
Why did you go 4 days before Christmas? I know there is never a good time.. but 4 days. I never wanted to but I felt angry for that, your poor nieces and nephews. Your brother and sisters. What was so bad, why did you contact me? Why didn’t you reach out?
Did you feel alone? Did it hurt? You drank bleach, and cut your wrists. Did you want to die? Did it go too far? Did you have control? I need these answers! Why can I get these answers?!
I continue to support your mum and sister. We have all become so close. Like a little family. I will do my best by them, I promise you that on my heart an soul.
Is it wrong to feel slightly jealous of you? Your free, you no longer fight those demons, you never battle with yourself anymore. I’m still stuck in the battle with my mental illness. It still strikes me everyday, but I fight. What made you give up that fight?
Your funeral was immense, mind you, when the most popular kid in his 20s dies it’s a big thing! The church was booming. Flooding outside. The screens were on. Everyone was cheering your name. Singing to you. Did you hear us? Did you see me let off your balloons with you little cousins? One asked me why we did it and I told her because you are on the moon. It made her smile, I hope it did you too.
My life isn’t complete without you. When I get that bit of gossip, I want to spill to you. Getting moaned at if I went town and we didn’t get a hot chocolate, lol. It annoys me when people say things like “I miss when we got on it”, yeah when you was out your face on drugs, nobody understood that wasn’t you but that it was you escaping you! But hey, you were the life and soul of the party, 6 day drug benders trying to escape it all. They aren’t your friends. Is it fair that I get angry when they pretend to be your closest friends?
I remember you being sober as a judge having hot choc in the cafe. Or sunbathing on the beach having nothing but dohnuts and 2p machines! I remember you breaking down in my arms, shaking because you couldn’t handle reality anymore. But I fought that with you. That’s a friend! Through thick and thin, I loved you. I still love you. Did I make the biggest mistake of my life by leaving you?
Could I have saved you? There we go again, happy memories shed back to what ifs. That’s all my days are now. What ifs. I have pictures of you in my purse,my bag, my wall and my shelf. You will soon be tattooed on me! It’s still not enough. It’s still not you.
I sit by your graveside with your two best friends. Talking memories, I make sure I’m at every event, birthday, Christmas, anniversary of you leaving us.
I’ll never forget.
I think of you everyday.
I miss you everyday.
And I’ll love you every day .
I’ll always remember your words …”be true to who you are.”
If you are considering or contemplating suicide, or you know someone who is, please know that your life matters, you would be greatly missed and call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
If you are a survivor of suicide, please also seek support. You are not alone.
Read about the creation of Project 488. Project 488: Letters To Loved Ones Lost
Project 488 is done in memory of my husband who said we’d be together for the 88s.
I love you, my husband.